eloriekam: (headdesk by colonel_jack)
[personal profile] eloriekam
Title: So a Fern and a Pine are Sunning Themselves...
Author: [personal profile] eloriekam/[livejournal.com profile] eloriekam
Rating: Um, I don't even. Teen, I suppose.
Pairing: Two houseplants of what is hopefully ambiguous gender and sex (I checked for androgynous names).
Word count: ~600
Warnings: Crack. Um, yep, all of it.
Author's Notes: BWR chat. That is all. Also, after you read this, could you please give me, like, 60 minutes (or more if you really liked it) head start before you call the people in white coats? ;)


They were sunning themselves when Alex the asparagus fern leaned a few fronds in the direction of Terry the Norfolk Island pine, and said a bit too casually: "Do you ever wonder what it would be like to do what humans do?"

Terry quirked up a few branches and gave this some thought. "That weird chewing thing they do with their food?"

Most of Alex's fronds waved in mild exasperation. "No, no, the.... you know. That thing they do at night with all the sounds and the banging that shakes you from the roots all the way to the tip of each leaf?"

"Oh," Terry said, sounding both confused and disappointed. "That does sound interesting. Sometimes I want a bit more audio stimulation, just to see if it really does help one grow, but I think my trunk material must anchor me against that. Oh, that does sound like a pity." Terry's branches started to droop, and a despondent-looking Norfolk Island pine is certainly a tragic sight.

"Please cheer up," Alex implored, quivering some fronds and reaching over some others to brush Terry's gorgeous spiky green leaves. "I was just thinking, we could try it."

"No harm in it, I suppose," Terry agreed, branches perking up again. "I'm not as flexible as you, though."

"Never fear," Alex assured, growing bolder and moving a few fronds more vigorously against Terry's leaves. Vibrations shivered back along the fern's own leaves, straight to the root. "Oh, oh, Terry, can you feel that?"

"A little bit," and the beautiful pine quivered a bit in excitement. "Would it... can you do it harder? You have such gorgeous pale green foliage, I don't want to damage you."

"The humans wouldn't understand either," Alex observed dryly, voice hitching a little. "For you, ah, Terry, our greens go so perfectly together, yes, yes, I will." A few fronds wrapped around one of Terry's branches and shook and pulled and stroked most vigorously, until the dear pine could indeed feel the vibration all the way to the root as well, and gasped and cried out in ecstasy.

"What a glorious sensation!" And Terry's nearest branches shifted, longer dark leaf against paler and shorter leaf, and Alex moaned because the vibrations from Terry were so much more exciting than the ones from Alex's fronds against Terry.

"Oh, oh..."

"The sunlight is glistening on us most beautifully, I must say," Terry observed, still able to be a little articulate thanks to the more solid trunk material. "Oooh, oooh, delightful, so delightful, mmmm!"

Alex and Terry happily thrashed about in each other until they were vibrating so hard they could stand it no more, and the other sunning plants, to say nothing of the household cat, were staring at them a bit from all the moans and cries and gasps. Slowly, they disentangled themselves from each other, still gasping a little.

"We must do that again sometime, Alex," Terry suggested, giving a last little shake.

"Oh, yes, absolutely," Alex agreed. "We did make a bit of a mess, though."

"Oh, oh my." Terry surveyed the nearby floor with shock. "I hope they won't be too angry at us."

"I'd say it's my fault, but then the humans would take me to the vet and get me poked a lot," remarked the cat, yawning. "Actually, they might make me do that anyway, so thanks for that."

"Pfft, don't worry about it!" Morgan the elephant bush exclaimed from near the other window. "I've heard them--especially if they're in a really good or really bad mood, they make much more mess than you darlings do!"

Alex and Terry sighed happily, and entwined branch and frond.

Date: 2015-01-09 02:45 pm (UTC)
develish1: (Default)
From: [personal profile] develish1
you wicked, wonderful, perverted soul you, lol

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