eloriekam: (Mist catnip)
[personal profile] eloriekam
Title: How Ferns Do It
Author: [personal profile] eloriekam/[livejournal.com profile] eloriekam
Rating: Um, I don't even. Teen, I suppose.
Pairing: Two houseplants of what is hopefully ambiguous gender and sex (I checked for androgynous names).
Word count: ~600
Warnings: Crack. Um, yep, all of it. Please remove food and drink from the area of this fic.
Author's Notes: BWR chat (again). That is all. Also, after you read this, could you please give me, like, 60 minutes head start before you call the people in white coats? ;) This is in the same universe as this crazy fic.


Reese was a bird's nest fern with a beautiful, large crown of fronds. Next to Reese, Dana the Boston fern shook some fronds gently as they eyed each other.

"Oh, go for it!" Alex the asparagus fern exhorted, quivering with excitement or frustration, or possibly both. "Look at those crowns, my lovelies, you'll have stunning offspring!"

"Well..." Dana said.

"We are a bit inexperienced," Reese said, looking shy and awkward.

"Just get some friction going," Alex encouraged, trying to sound like the solemn voice of experience (one experience was, admittedly, 100% more than the others had). "And a bit of vibration."

"Like this?" Dana asked, waving two fronds over one of Reese's and shaking them. Reese and Dana both made a small, inarticulate sound, then made it again as the sound vibrated through them.

"Yes, yes, see, it's not that difficult." Alex's fronds were quivering. Hopefully Terry the pine could join them again soon. "You'll lose a bit of foliage, but it's very much worth it!"

"Oh, that's easy for you to say," snarled the cat, leaping onto a tall cabinet.

"This is really quite... mmm, yes." Several of Reese's fronds now seemed to be trying to swallow many of Dana's fronds, while Dana let a few more fronds wave over and rub vigorously against Reese's. The fronds all wiggled, Dana and Reese indistinguishable, quivering.

"Very... right, Alex," Dana panted. "The vibration... esse... ah, oh, oh, err, key."

Small green leaves flew.

Finally, Dana and Reese's fronds went limp, and they gradually withdrew the intertwined fronds from each other.

Alex's fronds waved in excitement.

"Need to get... my breath back," Dana managed. "Reese, my love, are you all right?"

"Yes, yes," Reese answered, voice softer than usual. There was a pause. "Dana, my crown area feels... rather odd."

"Did I hurt you?!" Dana asked, fronds gravitating toward Reese in distress.

"Err, no, I don't think so." There was another pause. "My crown area really does seem quite strange."

"I'll look," Alex volunteered, directing the tallest frond upward and over to peer into Reese's pot. "Oh, my."

"What is it?" Reese and Dana demanded simultaneously.

"We'll have to get the humans to buy another pot, a lovely little one, and let us donate some soil!"

And all three ferns shrieked in anticipation and glee.
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