Doctor Who fic: Sizes and Erogenous Zones
Aug. 13th, 2013 05:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eloriekamThis fic was originally posted here under a different title. I'm not totally sure I want to admit to this much crack on my own journal, but I also think that ship has pretty much sailed.
Title: Sizes and Erogenous Zones
Author:eloriekam/![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eloriekam
Rating: Teen
Characters: K-9, one Dalek, one Cyberman
Disclaimer: The following should make it abundantly clear I don't own Doctor Who, for which we can all be thankful. Various cool people invented K-9, the Daleks, and the Cybermen. Not responsible for any damage caused by the reading of this fic.
Summary: K-9 is comparing sucker size with a Dalek and there's a Cyberman at K-9's tail. We probably don't want to know any more.
Warnings: Crack. Lots of crack. Threesome? Someone not me will have to verify if the innuendo is present or just in my pepperoni pizza-addled head (I just ate a whole 12-inch). Originally written October 2011 in response to a challenge pic at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
bad_wolf_rising.
K-9 thrust his sucker dish toward the Dalek standing proudly in front of him. The Dalek trundled a little closer, sucker arm wiggling back and forth. A Cyberman carefully poked at the tip of K-9's tail.
"I have been programmed to analyze 17 million substances," K-9 announced.
"Daleks are supreme."
"My analysis package is driven by technology 2000 years in advance of technology on Skaro at the time of the Daleks' creation."
The Dalek thrust its own sucker forward slightly. "My sensory apparatus is larger."
"This analysis tool is spatially efficient. I can access spaces .2 times that required for Dalek access." K-9 bobbled his head, causing the sucker arm to twitch.
"A Dalek can break off your puny sensor package. We are supreme."
"What is the purpose of this?" intoned the Cyberman, still poking the tip of K-9's tail.
"It is a tail. It moves when I am at full capacity. Why would the Daleks wish to remove my sensor?"
"You are not a Dalek."
The Cyberman ran one finger up and down K-9's tail, which twitched and trembled excitedly.
"It can respond to samples 1 mm in diameter and 3 molecules thick. More sensitive extendable apparatus are not designed until the year 150,000, human standard calendar."
"Dalek size reigns supreme. You are unarmed. We will remove your external sensor package now."
"Are you at full capacity?" the Cyberman suddenly inquired. He formed his hand into a light fist and ran it up and down K-9's tail, which twitched, wriggled, and finally fully wagged. Curious and distracted, the metal man let his fist swing with K-9's tail.
"I am nearing full capacity, additional stimuli may be required. And I am not unarmed." A small round shaft jumped forward from K-9.
"That is a puny weapon." The Dalek's gun attachment angled downward.
"That is what the Krillitanes said before my predecessor blew them up. My laser ejects 25% more power than my predecessor with a 50% shorter recharge time."
The Cyberman leaned forward and stroked K-9's ears. They rotated back and forth rapidly. K-9's laser rose up, and up, until it was aimed at the Dalek eyestalk.
"Daleks are superior to Krillitanes," the Dalek noted disdainfully. It swung its sucker through the full range of motion in a dramatic downward sweep, utterly missing K-9 but catching the Cyberman across the side of the head.
K-9's tail and ears moved so fast they could hardly be seen, and the little metal dog seemed to shiver a bit.
"A superior life form would be able to remove the shaft of an opponent of different height. We are incompatible." K-9 advised the Dalek once he was no longer shivering.
The Cyberman removed his hand from K-9's tail and stepped forward, appearing to examine the Dalek.
The Dalek rolled back a little, then moved forward again, its base just touching K-9's base. "Daleks will reign supreme."
"Then you do not reign supreme yet," K-9 replied calmly.
The Dalek took another swing with the sucker, this time directly hitting the Cyberman's fist. The Cyber absently rubbed his fist around the inside of the sucker.
"You appear less armed than a few minutes ago," K-9 observed. His laser gun still pointed at the Dalek's eyestalk. Fortunately, Cybermen and Daleks were quite predictable...
"The Cyberman is a pest. It will be controlled." The Dalek backed up slightly, then turned and tried to ram forward at the Cyberman. The tip of its base ran into the Cyberman's boot, and it ultimately thrust its sucker around the Cyberman's fist again.
"I have hands which have more dexterity than your sensory packages," the Cyberman stated, twisted his fisted hand around in the Dalek's sucker. He reached forward with the other hand, remembering K-9's response earlier. "You will be upgraded with external stimuli and then we will conquer the dog."
"I am a Dalek. I will not be upgraded." The Dalek trembled with indignation.
K-9 backed up 4.3 centimeters, judging the other two excessively distracted. Their computational abilities had been affected.
The Cyberman interpreted it as a need for additional stimuli, as K-9 had expressed it. He wrapped a fist around the Dalek gun--so much longer and bigger and more robust than the dog tail--and stroked it up and down a few times.
"I will not, I will not!" the Dalek shrieked, trembling more. Its sucker wiggled wantonly.
K-9 backed up again, 5.7 centimeters.
"You will be upgraded," the Cyberman intoned again, continuing his ministrations.
"I am a Dalek--DAVROS!" the Dalek shrieked.
Its gun discharged on the Cyberman, who gave a shrill electronic scream--"LUMIC!"--and toppled forward, shuddering in response.
K-9 hastily backed up 42 centimeters.
The Cyberman, still twitching with the Dalek's discharge, landed across the Dalek, shearing off the eyestalk and the sucker. The Dalek shrieked again.
And the mighty Cyberman and Dalek were utterly still.
K-9 calmly sheathed his sensory sucker and tucked away his laser gun, then turned around and rolled off, tail wiggling a little bit and ears rotating steadily.
Title: Sizes and Erogenous Zones
Author:
eloriekam/eloriekamRating: Teen
Characters: K-9, one Dalek, one Cyberman
Disclaimer: The following should make it abundantly clear I don't own Doctor Who, for which we can all be thankful. Various cool people invented K-9, the Daleks, and the Cybermen. Not responsible for any damage caused by the reading of this fic.
Summary: K-9 is comparing sucker size with a Dalek and there's a Cyberman at K-9's tail. We probably don't want to know any more.
Warnings: Crack. Lots of crack. Threesome? Someone not me will have to verify if the innuendo is present or just in my pepperoni pizza-addled head (I just ate a whole 12-inch). Originally written October 2011 in response to a challenge pic at
bad_wolf_rising.K-9 thrust his sucker dish toward the Dalek standing proudly in front of him. The Dalek trundled a little closer, sucker arm wiggling back and forth. A Cyberman carefully poked at the tip of K-9's tail.
"I have been programmed to analyze 17 million substances," K-9 announced.
"Daleks are supreme."
"My analysis package is driven by technology 2000 years in advance of technology on Skaro at the time of the Daleks' creation."
The Dalek thrust its own sucker forward slightly. "My sensory apparatus is larger."
"This analysis tool is spatially efficient. I can access spaces .2 times that required for Dalek access." K-9 bobbled his head, causing the sucker arm to twitch.
"A Dalek can break off your puny sensor package. We are supreme."
"What is the purpose of this?" intoned the Cyberman, still poking the tip of K-9's tail.
"It is a tail. It moves when I am at full capacity. Why would the Daleks wish to remove my sensor?"
"You are not a Dalek."
The Cyberman ran one finger up and down K-9's tail, which twitched and trembled excitedly.
"It can respond to samples 1 mm in diameter and 3 molecules thick. More sensitive extendable apparatus are not designed until the year 150,000, human standard calendar."
"Dalek size reigns supreme. You are unarmed. We will remove your external sensor package now."
"Are you at full capacity?" the Cyberman suddenly inquired. He formed his hand into a light fist and ran it up and down K-9's tail, which twitched, wriggled, and finally fully wagged. Curious and distracted, the metal man let his fist swing with K-9's tail.
"I am nearing full capacity, additional stimuli may be required. And I am not unarmed." A small round shaft jumped forward from K-9.
"That is a puny weapon." The Dalek's gun attachment angled downward.
"That is what the Krillitanes said before my predecessor blew them up. My laser ejects 25% more power than my predecessor with a 50% shorter recharge time."
The Cyberman leaned forward and stroked K-9's ears. They rotated back and forth rapidly. K-9's laser rose up, and up, until it was aimed at the Dalek eyestalk.
"Daleks are superior to Krillitanes," the Dalek noted disdainfully. It swung its sucker through the full range of motion in a dramatic downward sweep, utterly missing K-9 but catching the Cyberman across the side of the head.
K-9's tail and ears moved so fast they could hardly be seen, and the little metal dog seemed to shiver a bit.
"A superior life form would be able to remove the shaft of an opponent of different height. We are incompatible." K-9 advised the Dalek once he was no longer shivering.
The Cyberman removed his hand from K-9's tail and stepped forward, appearing to examine the Dalek.
The Dalek rolled back a little, then moved forward again, its base just touching K-9's base. "Daleks will reign supreme."
"Then you do not reign supreme yet," K-9 replied calmly.
The Dalek took another swing with the sucker, this time directly hitting the Cyberman's fist. The Cyber absently rubbed his fist around the inside of the sucker.
"You appear less armed than a few minutes ago," K-9 observed. His laser gun still pointed at the Dalek's eyestalk. Fortunately, Cybermen and Daleks were quite predictable...
"The Cyberman is a pest. It will be controlled." The Dalek backed up slightly, then turned and tried to ram forward at the Cyberman. The tip of its base ran into the Cyberman's boot, and it ultimately thrust its sucker around the Cyberman's fist again.
"I have hands which have more dexterity than your sensory packages," the Cyberman stated, twisted his fisted hand around in the Dalek's sucker. He reached forward with the other hand, remembering K-9's response earlier. "You will be upgraded with external stimuli and then we will conquer the dog."
"I am a Dalek. I will not be upgraded." The Dalek trembled with indignation.
K-9 backed up 4.3 centimeters, judging the other two excessively distracted. Their computational abilities had been affected.
The Cyberman interpreted it as a need for additional stimuli, as K-9 had expressed it. He wrapped a fist around the Dalek gun--so much longer and bigger and more robust than the dog tail--and stroked it up and down a few times.
"I will not, I will not!" the Dalek shrieked, trembling more. Its sucker wiggled wantonly.
K-9 backed up again, 5.7 centimeters.
"You will be upgraded," the Cyberman intoned again, continuing his ministrations.
"I am a Dalek--DAVROS!" the Dalek shrieked.
Its gun discharged on the Cyberman, who gave a shrill electronic scream--"LUMIC!"--and toppled forward, shuddering in response.
K-9 hastily backed up 42 centimeters.
The Cyberman, still twitching with the Dalek's discharge, landed across the Dalek, shearing off the eyestalk and the sucker. The Dalek shrieked again.
And the mighty Cyberman and Dalek were utterly still.
K-9 calmly sheathed his sensory sucker and tucked away his laser gun, then turned around and rolled off, tail wiggling a little bit and ears rotating steadily.
